Motherhood Identity Crisis

When I was a teenager and thought about my life as an adult I pictured myself in a large office full of inspiring literature. I’d have a large and intimidating leather office chair that would swivel toward my doting assistant. I would make important decisions regarding local government, have my Master’s Degree and have lunch with the local politicians. While I always knew I wanted to be a mother, that surely wouldn’t come until much later in life – after my husband and I had established our careers and had our beautiful dream home. I had such a detailed image of what it meant to be a successful adult. I was thirsty for it.

I can’t pinpoint where those images of success came from, exactly. Society seems like such a broad brush, but surely it played a role. My upbringing likely painted a few strokes in that image as well. Regardless of what inspired that picture, that’s not what’s on my canvas right now. We’re looking at some pretty abstract imagery in this painting, people. It’s all up for interpretation. I’m not having a “pity party” by any means, but I’m just reflecting on how my life is not anywhere near what I expected. I mean, I’m wearing very worn-in yoga pants, a messy bun, smeared eyeliner and the literature that surrounds me is likely a nursery rhyme.

I couldn’t afford to finish my college degree and now that I can, the timing isn’t right for me. My current job status is being a stay-at-home-mom to two kick ass little boys. They’re kind, thoughtful, loving and oh-so-smart! I still would LOVE a doting assistant! If he or she could just focus on refilling sippy cups that would be a life saver! Some of the most important decisions I make consist of choosing which essential oil to rub onto my kids’ feet. My lunches are chicken fries on a blanket in the living room watching Daniel Tiger. My sexy-ass husband and I aren’t established in our careers nor are we living in our dream home, but it’s cozy AF and it’s all ours.

I want to go back to work eventually. Depending on the day, I’d like to go back to work sooner rather than later. I want to have co-workers, contribute financially, have goals to meet and a scheduled lunch break. Using the bathroom without a small audience would also be kind of cool. The more I think about the potential of an awesome career, the more I find myself wanting to speed up this absolutely beautiful time I’ve been blessed with. My babies are growing so fast. The dimples on their hands are disappearing and they’re looking more like big kids and less like babies. Not all days are spent lusting after a career. I have my days where I fall asleep with the kids on the rocking chair and snuggle as close as I can. Or even days where I feel like THIS is where I’m meant to be at this very point in my life. But when I find myself looking ahead at what can be or even looking back at what could’ve been, I need to remember to be content.

I’m not religious or even that spiritual but when I came across a verse that spoke to my soul, I listened. 

I had always associated contentment with apathy or being stagnant: Not desiring more. But contentment is beautiful serenity and not just smelling the roses, but appreciating the fragrance. There is strength in contentment. There are also seasons in life. Yes, even here in the South, we have seasons 😉 I’m no gardener, but I know there are appropriate times to plant seeds so that when it comes time to harvest your garden will be abundant. Right now I have two little seeds that I’ve been chosen to nurture, love and grow. Soon enough they’ll be wiping their own butts, reading their own bedtime stories and they’ll be able to beat Kaos all by themselves (they’re on a Skylander kick).

Before I know it we’ll be approaching a new season. While it’s important to have goals and ambitions I also know that life doesn’t always turn out like I planned. Things happen, views change and people evolve. Until the leaves start changing yet again, I’m going to learn to be content.

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