The Person I Let Happen

“I love the person I’ve become because I fought to become her.” – Kaci Diane

 

I recently saw this quote pop up on my Facebook feed and I was awestruck by how far removed I have become from its message. In the past couple years, especially the last year, I have found myself living life passively. I expected others to fulfill my happiness, excused  behavior that was damaging to my soul and lost my sense of self. I think this is a common path that mothers in particular tend to take. When your sole focus becomes your children, your sense of self becomes lost in ____________’s mother.

While being a mom is one of the most important parts of my life and has shaped me into the woman I am today, it is not all of me. I am not a one-dimensional breastfeeding, but wiping educator, referee, and nurturer. In fact, I am a better mother when I can embrace and push myself beyond the monotonous (albeit extremely rewarding) tasks of a stay-at-home-mom .

When I saw this quote I wondered when was the last time I stood up for myself. When did I last get angry about someone devaluing my soul? I found myself recalling more incidences of me excusing the behavior because it’s just that person’s nature. Or maybe I would turn the situation around and assume I was overreacting. I have come up with excuses to stand still, to stay quiet and that is NOT me. I have victimized myself and begun to live a passive life. What would my children think of that? I want them to remember me as an empowered woman who stands up for her values and beliefs. I cannot continue to allow my personality and sense of self develop through the actions of others.

I’ve made excuses. Lack of time. Lack of sleep. Stress. The kids need me. I’m not ready. I’m not motivated. I’ve not been fighting at all to become who I am. The more passively I live my life, the more I resent others for me not being happy. To put that sort of responsibility on others is unfair. I cannot be a good mother, wife or human being if I continue to live this way. I love a challenge and I’m finally in the right frame of mind to fight to get myself back. I deserve to live a life full of positivity and happiness but I cannot expect that to just fall in my lap. I have to fight for it. I have to eliminate negativity, not enable it. I have to consciously fight to continue to evolve into the person I want to be.

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